Meet the Captains

     Let me start by rattling off a few names: Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, Paul Atreides, Agamemnon, Augustus. What do these men have in common? They were ruthless conquerors that won by any means necessary. They led from the front and set an example for their followers. Thus, their victories and achievements will echo through eternity. Now, allow me to produce another list of names: Adolf Hitler, LeBron James, Hannibal, people that hate on the Odyssey. What do these people have in common? They are the biggest losers ever. They are the antithesis of success. Their careers are riddled with “What Ifs?”. What if Hitler hadn’t hesitated and instead had stormed the beaches of Dunkirk? What if LeBron knew how to lead? As Kanye West once said, “I guess we’ll never know.” These two groups represent the opposite ends of the spectrum of leadership; a spectrum that our two captains, Brandon Bush and Dustin Debeau, find themselves on. But where along that spectrum do they fall? While I think the answer to this question is quite clear, I wanted to do my best to maintain journalistic integrity. So, I asked both individuals a series of questions that would facilitate us in identifying where Dustin, captain of Dusty’s Dirtbags, and Bush, captain of the other team with some forgettable name, in our endeavor.

            My first question was a simple one: should we expect any big moves in this year’s draft? Here is what they said:

Double B: “Everything is on the table right now. The scouting department is working hard to provide as many data points as possible, and as we get closer to the draft we may see a move or two.”

Double D: “Always expect some moves for the Dirtbags. Anything and everything is on the table, but no form of communication with the Bushes has been had on any of this…yet.”

            Despite the question being quite elementary, each captain’s response is especially telling. On the one hand, Double B sounds like he is planning to stick and pick. He mentions his scouting department “working hard”, but that guy wouldn’t know what “working hard” was if it busted his lip open in a semi-friendly game of basketball. Meanwhile, Double D’s response is oozing with moxie. Right off the rip, he says “Always expect some moves for the Dirtbags.” Dustin is already planning some movement, some shuffling, some…Motion. Motion, ladies and gentlemen, motion. That is what Dustin has in store for the draft. While Bush is “crunching the numbers” and “pushing pencils”, Dustin is busy pushin P. Dustin goes on to say that “Anything [AND] everything is on the table.” Unlike Bush, who is only willing to put “everything” on the table, Dustin is laying “Anything AND everything.” Sounds like one person is cutting corners and only giving 50%, while the other is going full tilt and holding nothing back. Something to consider.

            Next, I asked each captain “What kind of team are you trying to build?”.

Double B: “I'm looking for guys who don't have a problem knocking down a brewski or two. Obviously, we're at an immediately disadvantage in that department when it comes to the captain, so we'll need to supplement that weakness pretty early. Everybody saw what happened with the teetotaling Fuzz last year, and we don't want to let them happen again. So the goal is finding that balance of being loose relaxed, but not going overboard and being wasted by the turn. Aside from that, we need a team-first mentality, especially for the scramble round. A mix of strengths when it comes to off the tee, iron play, and short game.”

Geez, Bush, talk much? I’d say, “I’m not reading that essay”, but unfortunately, I signed up for this. Let me do all the readers a service and summarize this, spark notes-style.

-       If you do not knock back brewskis, Bush doesn’t want you.

-       Bush doesn’t drink.

-       If you drink too much, Bush doesn’t want you.

-       Bush is trying to avoid repeating last year’s beat down (The Buzzed Bandits were too good).

-       Bush will enforce a strict four-beverage limit (it is not stated, but don’t rule out fines for those that exceed the limit).

-       Bush is looking for guys that play for the name on the front of the jersey (his name), not theirs.

I can respect a coach that prioritizes winning. Therefore, I cannot respect Bush as he doesn’t mention assembling a winning team. He alludes to assembling a competitive team when he talks about “not letting [losing the Buster Bowl by day 2] happen again”, but that’s about it. Is he fine losing by day 3? It would sure seem like that is the case. It will be very interesting to see if he drafts according to this template, or if he goes off script and prioritizes getting the best players. The good news for Bush is that there is plenty of time to reconsider.

Double D: “We’re not always looking for the best players, but the right players. Looking at guys that we can trust being in that Fox hole together and got a little hair on their chest, if you know what I mean. Looking for the hard hat, blue collar, bring your own guts kinda guys. Looking for guys that are actually good at golf too.”

            I appreciate Dustin limiting his response to four sentences. Seems like he knows exactly what he’s looking for in the draft prospects. He is looking for winners; he is looking for good teammates; he is looking for grinders; he is looking for good golfers. Simple enough. Sounds like a recipe for success, and being a 240-pound male in my late twenties, I am always looking for a good recipe.

With my next question, I wanted to probe each captain’s mindset regarding their golf games. Bush once again submitted an essay saying:

“It's been a volatile season. While I've shot some of the lowest scores of my life, there's been other days when I've been comfortably in the triple digits. It all comes down to keep the shanks away for me. I've come a long way since the infamous yips of Buster Bowl 25. However, those demons still roam around in the back of my head, and when they strike it's all over. But if I can keep them at bay, watch out.”

I will say, I appreciate Bush’s self-awareness. If you follow him on 18Birdies, you will see that he is typically shooting in the low 90s, with a few rounds cracking the high 80s. The magnitude of this improvement cannot be understated. I will frequently share a video of Joshua Magley and Aaron Krupanski basically swinging the golf club for Bush on hole two of the final round in our Buster Bowl group chat. It never ceases to get a laugh. So, for Bush to be shooting scores as low as he has is nothing short of a miracle. If this version of Bush shows up to the outing, his team will be at a great advantage, especially when you consider Dustin’s response:

“Improvements have been made. We’ll be ready.”

Once again, Dustin’s response is far more succinct. However, it seems that his golf game is still not where he wants it to be. Indeed, it is more than likely that if the two captains competed today, Bush would emerge victorious. The good news for Dustin is that he still has two months to get his game to where he needs it to be. When he says, “We’ll be ready.”, there is no doubt in my mind that he will work his tail off to be competitive. After all, Dustin once spent 24 consecutive hours in the batting cage in the basement of Central framing pitches from the pitching machine. Residents of the Central Dorms reported hearing a certain unidentified individual (most likely Bush) begging Dustin to stop so he could “go home and play 2k.” Still, we shall see if he is truly ready come October. God help Dustin and his Dirtbags if he isn’t.

For my next question, I aimed to see what each captain’s stance was on buy-ins considering the Fuzz refused to bet on themselves last year. Led primarily by Brandon Bush, not a single member of the Fuzz would even throw 62 cents into the pot. The members of the Buzzed Bandits still are not over this despicable act. It is my pleasure to announce that Bush is more than willing to enforce buy-ins. He is even willing to go as far as saying, “No member of this trip will step foot on the driving range, let alone the course, until a buy-in has been submitted.” Is there anything sweeter than seeing a man turn from his old ways?

Dustin, on the other hand, is willing to “let our guys take care of their own business.” Not what we’d like to hear but based on the general vibes from this year’s participants, it appears that buy-ins will be honored. In other words, there is some real coin to be made this year. This will surely bring out the best, or maybe the worst, in our players. Cannot wait to see it.

For my final question, I asked Dustin and Bush to describe this year’s draft class. Here is what they said:

Bush: “I see two big drop offs in terms of tiers among this year's player pool. The first one is pretty obvious. You have Coatney and Kru at the top, and then everyone else. I've never seen Bryan The Stick play, but from the stories I've heard, maybe he's in that tier too? But after that, I think there's a pretty big tier of guys who could beat each other on any given day. Are there rankings within that tier where the more consistent guys will be higher? Sure. But no one would be shocked if Collin has a better round than Dan. Then I'd say there's another drop off at the bottom where you're gonna have guys like Caleb Ryan and Dustin DeBeau. Although Dustin has been logging some respectable rounds in 18Birides when he's not playing from the senior tees. Maybe Noah Reed is in that tier as well? He's more of a wild card.”

Dustin: “Got some premium talent at the top, no doubt. Bigger separating occurs after the first few rounds, but plenty of upside with this group of guys.”

There is a lot to unpack from these two responses. First, it is clear that Bush has it out for Caleb Ryan and Dustin Debeau, although it is unclear as to why. Does he hate that they know how to have a good time on the golf course? Is he upset that they are both married and not living with their parents? Does he have a problem with them washing their underwear in the same load as the rest of their clothes? I suspect he detests them because their smoke is too tough, their drip is too hard, and their swag is too different. That is the only reasonable explanation. Indeed, in a recent Instagram post that screamed “Sign me up for conversion therapy”, Bush could be seen donning various outfits that looked ones you’d see in downtown San Francisco in the middle of June. It is no wonder then that 80% of the comments were from men. Was this the goal? Is this the monkey he needed to get off his back so he could play better golf? I doubt it. Members of the Buster Bowl have already turned him into a sticker, and as a man who has been turned into countless stickers, that is not where you want to be.  

Second, Coatney and Kru are undoubtedly the best golfers from this group. Based on Bush’s response, Coatney seems to have a slight edge over Kru. He is edging him, if you will. Indeed, Kru’s recent addition to the Buster Bowl has helped balance out talent disparities within this group. In years prior, Coatney went undefeated against the best talent in the group. He cut through the dirty duo of Dan and Caleb like butter with a knife. However, since Kru joined the cohort, Coatney is 2-2. Continue to expect a DAWG fight whenever these two square up. As for the rest of the group, it is safe to assume that the competition will not be as fierce. Given the extreme variability in scores posted by various members of the group thus far into the golf season, there is no telling who is going to show up. This is evidenced by the third and final conclusion we can draw from each captain’s response. Both captains reveal the presence of a drastic drop-off in talent as the rounds progress. Dustin at least has the decency to not name names. The fact that Bush rattled off names speaks to his lack of self-esteem. Add it to the list of things he needs to work on.

Based on each captain’s responses, where do they fall on the spectrum of leadership? While each reader is free to form their own opinions, I can confidently say that Dustin is closer to the likes of Alexander the Great than Bush is, and it isn’t remotely close. Considering Bush will impose a strict three-drink limit for his players, I cannot help but feel like his leadership style mirrors one of a certain individual with a partial mustache that tried to conquer the world in the early 1900s. If it were not for Bush’s commitment to sobriety, it would be challenging to discern between these two individuals. Hopefully, this unbiased profile will be enough to help Bush change his ways. After all, barring any trades, Bush holds the last pick of the draft. If I am to be selected as a member of the Burning Bushes, we will have another Valkyrie situation on our hands, except unlike Tom Cruise, we will not fail. With that said, see you at the draft in two months.