Meet the Players: Part 4

Twenty-two days. That is all that stands between us and one of the most anticipated events of the year. Men will leave their families and their metal will be tested. You have been introduced to 12 of them, but these last four are sure to tip the scales. With a collective weight of roughly 1100 pounds, I have deemed this group the heavy-set quartet. Ready to meet them? Lock your pantry, because here they come.   

Caleb Ryan

Bush was supposed to write a bio for Caleb. Unfortunately, I may have set the bar too high for Bush, something you might expect Bradberry to complain about at theme parks when they refuse to let him on the ride. Thus, I will be writing my own player comp. Caleb is a glue guy whose personality is much better than his golf game. He likes to keep things loose and isn’t afraid to knock a couple drinks back. When people talk about Caleb’s performance in previous Buster Bowls, no one mentions his golf game. Instead, they might talk about the time he HOUSED a burger and fries at BWW, or the time he had a few (28 or 29, I cannot recall) drinks with Dustin, or the time he Devoured Dustin’s dinner. For Caleb, his performance isn’t measured by the number of strokes he takes on the course, of which there are many; rather, it is measured by how far he can push his mind, his soul, and his liver before it all goes sideways. Whenever Dan sends him a text saying “only a few weeks until New Holland”, Caleb’s hands begin to shake with excitement. Even though we are close to being just three weeks out from the Buster Bowl, his mind is still not on golf. When asked what’s his best club, he responded, “Club Aqua, but I really want to go to Club Haunted House. I actually want to go to Club Haunted House more than I want to go to Aqua.” Suffice to say, he needs to lock it in.  

Caleb’s Player Comp: 2026 Tiger Woods

Like Tiger, there is a lot of uncertainty with Caleb. People wonder what his golf game would look like if he took it seriously. I would imagine he would be about as good as Tiger is compared to the rest of the PGA golfers. Additionally, numerous people have felt that Caleb has been out of control at times. Last year, numerous people on the opposite end of the BWW table BEGGED Chandler and Jason to take his VR away. They said Chandler and Jason needed to “get him under control.” Like Tiger, Caleb hears the outside noise. Perhaps there is some good golf in his future. We will always have the back 10 at EaglePointe. That’s something to build off of.

Nick Schaldenbrand

Schaldy is a decent golfer, but accusations levied against him by Bradberry have tainted his reputation. “He is always dropping, or miraculously ‘finding his ball’, and not taking penalty strokes,” said Bradberry. Like all rumors started by Berry, the rest of the group has taken it as the Gospel truth. Rumors aside, Schaldy is an upper 80s to low 90s golfer with a golf game that could be best described as vanilla. That is not to suggest there is anything wrong with vanilla; rather, I am simply saying Schaldy’s game is quite consistent. However, Schaldy is one of the few members in the Buster Bowl who has not won a matchup. This is undoubtedly his biggest drawback as a prospect. Like an Ohio State kicker, the guy has not been able to get it done. It doesn't help that he is often paired against Bradberry who doesn’t seem to lose in the Buster Bowl. Maybe he will finally secure a W this year. We shall see.

Schaldy’s Player Comp: Deshaun Watson

What do these two have in common? Both of these individuals have been subjected to heinous accusations and have been found guilty in the court of public opinion, despite neither one being found guilty by the judicial system. In both cases, a small rumor started by untrustworthy sources (i.e., masseuses and Bradberry) has tarnished their reputations. Schaldy got the golf equivalent of MeToo’d. What have we become? Two good men have endured emotional hardships which have affected their performance. Like Deshaun Watson, Schaldy has all of Bush’s support. We will see if he can get right in roughly 3 weeks.

Colling Young

(I hope you guys get this reference)

For real though, Collin slid in last year’s draft. He was drafted behind Caleb and Bush, which is tough to come back from. However, he didn’t let that bother him. He did well in last year’s outing and will likely be taken earlier than he was last year. On the course, Collin can commonly be found playing his drive from two holes over from the hole he is currently on. Lucky for Collin, he has become accustomed to hitting “hero shots” to keep himself in holes. Speaking of shots, I heard this guy juiced back in the day. Collin still rocks his “Full Send” golf bag that he DEFINITELY got for free. There’s no way he paid full price for that eye sore. Off the course, Collin likes to gamble, crypto, and procreating. The trifecta. Collin does not like babysitters, the third week of 75 hard, or Bush’s sister (don’t worry Bush, he’s a married man with 3 kids. He cannot hurt you anymore). Collin is slated to go near the fifth round in this year’s draft, but don’t be surprised if he talks Bush into taking him as early as the second round.

Collin’s player comp: Joey Cold Cuts

Two guys that know how to slice a golf ball. Additionally, both of them can lose their tempers at a moment’s notice. When asked to mention some of the things Collin has said to him during Arc sessions, Caleb said, “I cannot talk about it without crying.” If you point a finger at Collin, or accuse him of being a bad manager, he will not hold back. He speaks his mind, something Joey Cold Cuts is known for. Despite the occasional blow up holes, Collin and Joey are far from being the worst golfers in the group. 

Gabe Zeiger

Gabe slings wood (lumbar) for a living, and he’s pretty good at it too. When he isn’t slinging it, he’s sharpening his golf game. Indeed, Gabe has quickly become a solid golfer and consistently posts solid scores, almost as solid as the tree trunks he has for legs. Chuck loved his legs. Rumor has it, Chuck watched Gabe’s squat videos at 0.1x speed just to watch him drop that thang. After Gabe completed the fifth rep, Chuck would fall to the ground and be overcome with a severe migraine. The only remedy was a bowl of Wendy’s chili, two monsters, 12 donuts, and Danza Kuduro played at full volume. “Those are the legs of a starting center fielder”, Chuck would say. This is Gabe’s second Buster Bowl, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t produced. He went 3-0 in last year’s Buster Bowl and is looking to keep up the success. 

Gabe’s player comp: AJ Dillon

Both of these guys got some legs on em. However, they aren’t the Saquons of the group. They are good, but not elite. In their spare time, both of these guys can be found enjoying the simple pleasures in life. For AJ Dillon, it is his farm simulator. For Gabe, it’s collecting pop bottles. Both yield their own form of produce.

WAIT UP HOLD A MINUTE. YALL THOUGHT I WAS FINISHED? WE GOT ONE MORE PLAYER TO INTRODUCE. 

Trevor Bastien (AKA Chandler’s Best Friend)

Chandler was willing and eager to write Bastien’s profile. In fact, he texted me numerous times supplicating me to let him write this portion of the blog entry. After ~200 texts, I gave in to his request. Here’s what he said:

“Trevor is my guy. When people say his name, three things come to mind: 

1) Expert salesman

2) loving/faithful husband

3) Upstanding individual

I did not believe it when people told me he was going to join the trip. I was speechless. I haven’t done a great job of keeping up with him, but I know he is just crushing it. The printer deal was my fault and, Trevor, if you are reading this, just know that I am sorry. I will never forget our Halloween party. You are simply the best and I wish you had been able to make it to my wedding.

Bastien’s Player Comp: Tim Tebow

 

What more can I say? Both men are incredible athletes, but even better men. I am so excited to share a weekend with the legend that is Trevor Bastien.”